Audit

On Friday, I decided to start writing down my daily routine for the next fortnight or so. The idea was so that I could work out what I do with my time and maybe figure out how I can use my days more effectively. (Cf. Step one of this Mahalo guide.) There are a quite few things I’d like to be doing, like getting more exercise, and spending more time on language study, writing, and various projects, but I don’t seem to have the time to fit all these things in.

And yet I am aware that when I sit in my study, I spend a lot of time playing mahjong solitaire (I’d better not give you the link – wouldn’t want to distract you as well!), gazing out of the window, or aimlessly surfing from site to site. And, for someone who likes lists, I seem to be very good at avoiding making lists of things I need to do. Or rather, I make these lists in my head, then forget them – after thinking about them I somehow manage to not write them down. By not writing these lists down I cause two reactions – either I keep worrying endlessly about all the things I need to get done, or I forget altogether that I need to do them, and then either I stress myself out by rushing things at the last minute, or I decide it’s too late and give up altogether. I’m not sure what’s causing these avoidance behaviours (fear of failure? fear of success?) but it’s starting to really irritate me.

Even doing this time audit has been difficult as I seem to have sabotaged myself quite well, right from the start. The first day, Friday went well enough, but then I managed to “forget” all about keeping a record on Saturday, and then on Sunday and most of Monday, I thought I’d lost the notebook I was using to write things down. And I can’t write in anything but that notebook, of course, oh no! I have now found the notebook and am having to talk myself into making the notes. MAKE. THE. NOTES. DAMNIT.

If I was the praying kind I’d be praying to St. Expeditus. Or maybe St. Jude would be a better choice. He’s the patron saint of hopeless cases.